President Bush tries, fails to visit Catholic church
Washington -- President Bush attended church for the first time in his life today to join worshippers in remembering Pope John Paul II. Unfamiliar with Christianity, however, he went to the wrong one.
"It's the thought that counts," said June Butterknife, a regular worshipper at St. John's Episcopal Church near the White House. "I mean, I've always called us 'Catholic Lite!'"
Butterknife continued, "For what it's worth, he looked really uncomfortable the whole time. And I'm sure that's because he realized his mistake the moment he walked in the door."
Observers reported that the president looked restless in his seat and even seemed to be doodling on his hand at one point. Walter Askew, another longtime member of the church, sat behind the president during the service.
"He took out a pocket knife at one point and looked like he was going to carve something in the pew in front of him," Askew said. "But Laura slapped his hand before he could do it."
Another worshipper, who asked not to be identified, reported overhearing Bush on his way out of the church say, "What? They don't have a (expletive) Pope? What the (expletive) are we doing here, then? I'm not going to another (expletive church). Nope, nuh-huh, no (expletive) way. God damn it!"
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